Using CuLture: was a big one in our house. He was highly racist and I wasn't, and I was put down so much because I wouldn't laugh at his racist jokes or agree with him in front of other people about how much white is superior to all other races. And yes, he used the Bible to back up his claims.
Emotional Abuse: he didn't use that technique until near the end, whence I had found some independence and was going to counseling(he didn't know i was going), but it helped me see the light as to what sorts of abuse I was tolerating without even knowing it. However, he was good @ giving me the silent treatment whenver I wouldn't except any of his tactics/behaviors, pretty much from the beginning of the relationship. We were together 5 years. -- Oh wait, he did withhold affection starting six months after I had let my lease go and moved in with him. He blamed it on his age (six yrs older than me) that he had low T and just couldn't get it up, but he looked @ pornhub 3-4 times/day and was able to achieve ejaculation each time.
Intellectual Abuse: I never realized that demanding perfection was inteLLectuaL abuse - and yes he did demand me to be the perfect "church/godly" wife/woman. I never measured up to what he wanted, ever! Yes, he would make me feel stupid by belittling me in public about everything that came out of my mouth where he was not the one getting the attention from our peers.
Financial Abuse: He took care of all the bills. He made all the money, he didn't stop me from working, but he would tell me often (when I would want to apply for jobs) that he made enough money and i din't have to work, he loved supporting me and would buy me nearly anything. He allowed me to have one of his credit cards and I had free reign. His favorite saying was, "I'm made of money.". I rarely spent money on myself except for sewing stuff. The rest was spent on food, totally comfort food. Taking my sis & family out to eat.
Psychological Abuse: Four months before I left he had started with the intimidating gestures and actions. He would charge my person, but i never flinched. I was scared of what he might / could do, but i didn't want to give him the satisfaction of him thinking i was afraid of him. He did say to me one time that he wished he was dead cause his kids would never come to see him and he missed his grandchildren; then he went into a tirade about how in heaven he will be loved and that is the only thing he is living for here on earth is to get to heaven and be with God. This also, was within the last four months of our relationship. He never threatened to kill me.
He did deny that he has said things or done stuff towards me. This was especially relevant when after I left him in the summer and he talked me into going to his church Christmas party @ the pastors' house. The afternoon before the party he cooked a huge meal, ironically of his favorite foods, and we talked some about us and the problems and when I mentioned him charging me in the kitchen that morning of him going to work; and him walking out of our conversations and not talking to me the rest of the evening; and several other incidents... He gets out of his chair comes behind me starts massaging my shoulders(i had a brief thought that he might snap my neck) although he had never laid a hand on me before... Anyway, as he is rubbing my neck and shoulders he calls me by name and tells me that 'Those things, that i had just mentioned, had never happened'. I knew about
gaslighting and I just started to cry. He hugged me real hard(in a loving way) and said, "Baby, I'm sorry that things got so complicated between us that
you don't remember what all was going on." ... i did my best to regain my state of mind and I went to bathroom and then said I was going out to my car for a change of clothes and I drove away and never looked back. You can imagine the email that i received later that night.!! And so, the way I see it, that was (Making Light of the Abuse). In his email, he tried blaming his alcohol consumption on possibly not remembering some of the events. But, this was all staged as was the email because I found out later he had
BCC: my dad and his parents, siblings, and church members.
Physical Abuse: wow, I almost skipped this one until I read the first sentence. He did block exits but not in the usual sense. He would stand in the doorway and rant and rave about whatever his current gripe was. And now I realize that was to give me no exit. Looking back, I can see him like that standing in the doorway sometimes with his hands on both sides of the frame. So, wow that was physical abuse. The rest of it driving too fast, locking me out of the house, punching or kicking, spitting, choking, hitting, or restraining he never did. But, the intimidating part did come those last few times where he would charge at me while yelling what an idiot I was, or how I wasn't being a godly
helpmeet to him because... (new problem each rant).
Verbal Abuse: As far as name calling, he would only say things like "why can't you be like so-n-so". He usually only used profanity when he was really angry. He would at times call me stupid or ignorant and he would talk about how non-intelligent i was cause I only had a high school diploma and he had a 4.0 college graduate degree. So, yes to the Swearing and Yelling and Insulting me as I stated above. He was very condescending to me and the way I viewed the bible, god, and church. He always said I had an adversarial relationship with God. and Being Sarcastic was his forte.
Sexual Abuse: There was a lot of withholding sex and also Sexual put-downs, it usually referring to my fatness. The woman he dated before me had a rocking body, (i saw the pics on his computer) and he was always having me workout, go swimming, P90x, biking, walking - but I have learned for myself, that when you force me to do something - i will not excel at it. So, yes, he compared me to others and his fetish on pornhub was lingerie. I dressed up for him one time in some garters, bustier, heels, etc... and we had sex - but it felt pretended; I felt like a fantasy, not his wife.
Spiritual Abuse: Yes, yes, and yes. He would put down my faith & belief in God because it wasn't what he wanted or how he wanted me to do it. He used church and faith to his advantage with other people including families, but he never told them his true beliefs. He was all into the neo-nazi, white supremacist type of podcasts. He hated jews, blacks, and homosexuals. He never said these things to the church that he had us going to, but they were all older and it was automatically an all white (prejudiced) group of people. He was always using scripture against me. Anything that pertained to my life, he had scripture for and he wasn't ashamed to use it.
Using Children: We did not have children between us but I have my own and he had his, and all of them are grown adults). The only one here was he used visitation with his kids as a way to make me seem more helpmeet*ish and then although he told me I could go see my kids anytime(they live 800 miles away), he would always have something 'going on' when I would say I wanted to go see my family. Always. He also had me believing that Satan was running my daughters life with her boyfriend(now husband) and he talked about how much better people he and i were because we were Christians and they weren't. Even though my daughter is.
Social Abuse: I think what i just said about him always having something going on when I wanted to visit my family two states over, is the same as Isolating me from my family. He hated when I would go see my sister and her young daughters, because he said I always came back with an attitude of entitlement cause he knew my sis hated him and wanted me out of this relationship. While, those things were true - I am smart enough to not come back and act like a diva. I was scared of him, even though he didn't lay his hands on me. I don't know if he monitored my phone calls. But I doubt it. Also, with the mileage - if he did, he didn't use that against me. I drove everywhere. We lived out of the city and I would go to a walmart 20 miles in one direction, come home, and go to the Ymca 20 miles in the opposite direction. I enjoyed being in my car listening to Christian music and being alone. It was a great escape. He did not dictate who i could see, I am an
inTp(personality) and so automatically don't care for much "in person" friendships. He didn't Prevent me from working; however he would say that i didn't have to work he made enough money. I am lazy, so i didn't work.
